Yes, Minister

The other day, I was talking to a friend when he confessed that he disliked Yes Minister. I positively went wild with indignation. How can anyone not like clever plots, intelligent cynicism, acerbic wit? I vowed to convert him into a Yes Minister-ite. And you, readers of my blog, as well.

For the uninitiated, Jim Hacker is a politician. In fact the Minister of Administrative Affairs (a fictitious department). Bernard Woolley is his Private Secretary and Sir Humphrey Appleby is Permanent Secretary of State for Jim Hacker's ministry. Jim Hacker is a publicity seeking, albeit well intentioned, insecure politician. He is hapless compared to the devious Sir Humphrey. Sir Humphrey and Bernard are civil servants/bureaucrats, by the way.

Here are some of my favourite parts -

Minister Jim Hacker: "What am I going to do with all this correspondence?"
Bernard Woolley: "You do realize you don't actually have reply to, Minister."
Minister JH: "Don't I?"
Bernard Woolley: "Not if you don't want to, we can draft an official reply."
Minister JH: "What's an official reply?"
BW : "It just says The Minister has asked me to thank you for your letter and we say something like The matter is under consideration, or even if we feel so inclined under active consideration."
Minister JH: "What's the difference?"
BW: "Well, under consideration means we've lost the file, under active consideration means we're trying to find it."

Or this …

[Minister wants a controversial petition on electronic surveillance to disappear]
Bernard Woolley: "Shall I file it?"
Minister JH: "File it? Shred it!"
Bernard Woolley: "Shred it??"
Jim Hacker: "Nobody must ever be able to find it again."
Bernard Woolley: "In that case, Minister, I think it is best I file it."

And this absolute gem about the EEC …

[Sir Humphrey Appleby is anti EEC, while Minister JH is pro-EEC]

Minister JH: "Europe is a community of nations, dedicated towards one goal."
Sir Humphrey: "Oh, ha ha ha."
Minister JH: "May we share the joke, Humphrey?"
Sir Humphrey: "Oh Minister, let's look at this objectively. It's a game played for national interests, it always was. Why do you suppose we went into it?"
Minister JH: "To strengthen the brotherhood of Free Western nations."
Sir Humphrey: "Oh really. We went in to screw the French by splitting them off from the Germans."
Minister JH: "So why did the French go into it then?"
Sir Humphrey: "Well, to protect their inefficient farmers from commercial competition."
Minister JH: "That certainly doesn't apply to the Germans."
Sir Humphrey: "No no, they went in to cleanse themselves of genocide and apply for readmission to the human race."
Minister JH: "I never heard such appalling cynicism. At least the small nations didn't go into it for selfish reasons."
Sir Humphrey: "Oh really? Luxembourg is in it for the perks; the capital of the EEC, all that foreign money pouring in."
Minister JH: "But its very sensible central location."
Sir Humphrey: "With the administration in Brussels and the Parliament in Strasbourg (Luxembourg)? Minister, it's like having the House of Commons in Swindon and the Civil Service in Kettering."

And this one…

Minister Jim Hacker: "When did a civil servant last refuse an honour?"
Bernard Woolley: "Well I think there was somebody in the Treasury that refused a Knighthood."
Minister Jim Hacker: "Good God. When?"
Bernard Woolley: "I think it was in 1496."
Minister Jim Hacker: "Why?"
Bernard Woolley: "He had already got one."

In order to understand the next one, you need to know that yearly, the Queen bestows honours on people, including civil servants, for various reasons. Among them is the Most Distinguished Order of Saint Michael and Saint George, a British order of chivalry founded by George IV. The Order includes three classes, in descending order of seniority:

• Knight Grand Cross (GCMG) ( GCMG : where M is for St Michael, G is for St George and GC is for Grand Cross)
• Knight Commander( KCMG : where M is for St Michael, G is for St George and KC is for Knight Commander)
• Companion ( CMG : where M is for St Michael, G is for St George and C is for Companion)

[Talking about the abbreviations of the honours CMG, KCMG and GCMG]
Bernard Woolley: "Of course in the service, CMG stands for Call Me God. And KCMG for Kindly Call Me God."
Minister Jim Hacker: "What about GCMG then?"
Bernard Woolley: "God Calls Me God."